Friday, January 10, 2014

Life: Leaving The Friends & Families I Love

I do not blog often as I do not have the time or patience to sit down and put my thoughts into words. For the most part, if I do have a time gap to do that, I spend it on writing songs and singing to the Lord. 

Today, my words won't transform into melody and honestly, my heart is just very heavy. 2013 was like a black eye, over and over again. Every time my life started to heal from an unexpected storm, I was hit with yet another blow. Not every year is like that, and there are people who never experience that a day in their life. However, to put it simply, this past year was not easy. 

I do not want to go into detail about this past year as I would never finish this post. So I will just simply vent a single topic that is weighing on my heart: the fact that life is short, and it sucks when you really begin to let that sink in.

I am a senior in high school. It seems like just yesterday I was sporting my new lunch box to my kindergarten classroom, accompanied by my own personal body guard (my big brother). It seems like just yesterday my mom and dad were rocking and singing me to sleep when I was captivated by worry or fear. It seems like just yesterday I was running wild and free on my grandparents farm, building forts and swimming with the snakes and alligators alongside all my cousins. It seems like just yesterday I was performing elementary school plays and practicing for my fifth grade graduation. It seems like just yesterday my dad took me out to practice before school on the day of sixth grade softball tryouts. It seems like just yesterday my middle school friend and I thought we were the coolest kids on the block, while we sang to all the Walmart shoppers who passed us laying atop my moms car in the parking lot. It seems like just yesterday I walked the halls of my high school campus and stood in shock of how long I had awaited that day. It seems like just yesterday I was saying goodbye to my best friends who would leave for college while I was still in high school (all the while knowing our relationship would drastically change when they were gone). It seems like just yesterday I became a part of our FCA leadership team, all excited for what God was going to do on our campus in just two years. It seems like just yesterday I walked across the deck at our high school meet pool, and was recognized as a "Senior, Class of 2014" for our swim team. It seems like just yesterday we celebrated Christmas and returned to class with less than five months left of high school.... EVER. It was literally just yesterday when seniors went to the auditorium to turn in their senior cap and gown fees, knowing that graduation is within our grasp. 

To be honest, I still can't wrap my mind around this. I never expected to make it this far in my education, and I never expected it to come so soon. Now that the time has come to graduate, it literally makes me sick to think about the different paths I and all my classmates will find ourselves on.
  • I am very independent
             Anyone who knows me knows that I don't really care for anything related to foolishness or immaturity. I like to respect people, and in return, I tend to be well respected. I like to put first things first, and I do not like to take part in activities that could easily become a stumbling block to myself or others. I like to speak encouragement into the lives of everyone I come in contact with, and I daily pray that everything I do and say will be in love.

            Being said, I will graduate this year and move on to college. Some of my peers are worried because they don't know how to face the real world by themselves, but I do not throw myself under that category. Like I said, I am very independent and I like to carry my own. Sure, moving on to this next chapter will be tough financially, emotionally, and at times physically, but I really do not think that I will be handed anything that I have not already wrestled with (in some way or another). 

            So, I have admitted that I will not be too distraught in moving away from "home" and moving onto the next chapter of my life. However, I will humbly and openly admit that I am having a very hard time (already) with moving away from my family friends that I love so dear.

  • I really am leaving
               Family will always love you no matter what. For me, the thought of leaving my family is tough, but I know they will be there each time I come home and every time I dial their number. I am not worried about stepping out now, as I know I will step right back in when I come back home. 

               Over the years, I've made my own life outside of my childhood atmosphere. When I was a kid, my siblings and I spent time with the people our parents allowed in our lives. There was never a reason to search for others as we were still being guarded and guided by our parents. They knew the people who were and were not appropriate to allow around their children, and so our family friends were literally "all" of our family friends. 

       Now, I am 18 years old.

               There are friends and families from my childhood that "I" choose to keep in contact with, and there are some relationships where time and distance have taken a tole. Either way, the older I get, the more "choice" I have in the relationships I continue to build on or set aside.

               When I was in sixth grade, I was very adamant about having a way to make my own money. At that age, jobs aren't really a possibility, and you are still very dependent on your parents for transportation. My parents suggested that I make a sign for whatever I chose to do to make money and put in on our neighborhood billboards. Eventually, I was able to post in hopes of getting business for "Pet sitting and babysitting". 

               To sum up seven years into a single sitting, I got interest and calls. One customer led to another, and another, and another. People knew people, talked my name up, and boom: more customers. When I re posted signs again, bam: more customers! People go on vacation and they ask their trusted friends who watches their home, animals, or kids, and kapow: my name gets tossed on the table. You get the picture... My job over the years has led to meeting a lot of new people that were never present in my life as a child. These have always been relationships that I myself chose to nurture, OR that I chose to keep professional in every way.

  •   I do not want to leave
                Like I said before, I choose to speak life to all those I come in contact with (at least that is what I TRY to do no matter what life brings about). At times it is a struggle with some people, and I have to sincerely pray in order to love them in any way. With some people, I love them genuinely, and yet it is really never mutual. Still with others, I find that the level I love and cherish them is indescribable.... and these loved ones are the reason I do NOT want to leave.   

              My job has allowed me the opportunity to really and truly get to know the families I work for. When I say that I really love people, that is in no way an understatement. (I have probably scared customers off because they don't know what to do with that, lol). So, here I am seven years later, and I am having to not only leave the job I enjoy, but I am having to step out of the lives of all these people I have come to know in my teenage years. That is really hard for me...

             These families were never just clients, calender fillers, or money signs. Every single one of the lives within each family were opportunity's for me to (hopefully) be the hands and feet of Jesus. I love them all in unique, wonderful, and special ways. My heart literally breaks when I think about having to leave this chapter of my life, and all the people I love within it. 

  • I am in need of (and begging for) some serious prayer
           My worst and most captivating fear right now is knowing that when I leave, someone else will take my place. When it comes to pet sitting and house sitting, for the most part it does not worry me. 

          When it comes to the kids I watch and the friends I have made, it is a whole different story. The closer I get to August, 2014, the more I begin to "freak out" regarding the relationships I have made with certain families. I am scared that when I leave, the new "babysitter" will be great and that "Ms. Morgan" will be forgotten about. I am scared that when I leave, the kids I love so dearly will forget the memories made with me and grow to love and adore the new woman in their lives. I am scared that when I come back (having time to spend with them again), I will no longer be needed or wanted, as my "replacement" will be just as special, if not better than I ever was.  

         I am scared that as time and distance strain the friendships I have made with some incredible women, the new girl will pick up the pieces and weave them into her own life. I am worried that the friends I have now will no longer care about the little details of my every day life, but will certainly welcome the catch ups and heart-to-heart's of the new girl. I am terrified that some of the relationships I have made over the years are going to not only change, but be forgotten about. 

         Now, I know this is foolish, but this is indeed what weighs on my heart everyday. The families I have come to know, love, and adore are just that: family. I am not their ken, I am not their blood, and I am not of any legal relation. However, I love them as my own family and I have never been able to help that. Many days I wish I could stop loving them so much, so that the pain that comes with separation and leaving is not so great. Many days I wish I could turn the switch in my brain that makes me think of them to "off", because I literally think of them all the time. It is crazy how much I love some people, and more often than not, they have no idea just how much I care.

        So, now that you know just how crazy my thoughts are, I am asking for prayer. Serious, serious, serious prayer from those of you who have put your faith and trust in Christ.

        I cannot possibly love the way I am called to when I am jealous. I KNOW that my life does not revolve around things of this world or emotions tied to it. I know that I cannot base my life on other people, and that they will never base their life off of me. I do not understand why my heart still tries so hard to think that way though... it is crazy and very burdensome. When I let those feelings triumph over the Truth, I am more lonely and more discouraged than I can deal with. I need prayer to rid my heart of jealousy.

       I cannot possibly love when I am not patient. I know that my life must go on, and that God has far greater things in store for me than what my life consists of now. I know that no matter where I end up, or how long I am there for, God will use it all for His glory if I allow Him too. However, many times I believe my deceitful heart and buy into the lie that the people who love me and invest in me now will choose not to be there later. ( I know that time and distance truly do change things, and I know that some relationships still weather the storm and continue through the years, but I weakly let my heart tell me that ALL of my loved ones will walk away, and that is not healthy, nor is it true). I allow worry to captivate my heart and mind, and I truly miss out on the blessings that God is trying to pour on me now. I need prayer to be patient, knowing that there is a time and place for everything, and that Gods timing is always perfect. 

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

(Habakkuk 2:3) For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
(Isaiah 40:31) But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
(Psalm 27:14) Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
(Ecclesiastes 8:6) For there is a time and a way for everything, although man's trouble lies heavy on him.

           I cannot possibly love when there is even a fraction or a thought of "self-seeking". When I love, I am called to love with the love of Christ. In everything I do, it should be to point others towards Him... not with the hopes of getting them to love me in the process. Though I never intentionally love with the hope of being loved back, I often times live just like that. I rejoice when people see Christ, but I also let my heart get heavy when people don't see how much "I" love them. Please do not get me wrong: I am called to love them and I do my very best to love them in EVERY way... but if my actions are not solely motivated by wanting to see others come to know Him, and if there is anything in me that wants to have a part in that love more than their love for Christ, then my heart is in the wrong place. I need prayer to love in such a way that my ONLY aim is to point others to the Father.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails... 
( 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

       High school is not over yet. I have less than five months left to leave a legacy in not only my school, but as a "High School Student". We do not get time back, and it most certainly does not wait on anyone. 

      I am desperately asking for prayer so that my walk will be salty and full of light. (Lol!)
I truly want to make everything about the Lord, and I am struggling to do that as I allow my heart to house jealousy (with no reason) and impatience (which is burdensome). When you think of me, please lift my mind up for clarity and reasoning, and please life my heart up to love in EVERY Godly way... not just some, and not a love that is missing any of those qualities stated above! ^^^^

      I am seeking the Lord for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. I know that without all these, I am not very effective in loving others.

       Please lift me up so that I may have wisdom and discernment in the coming months, and that I will allow the Lord to fill me with Hope and Joy that drowns out all my doubt and all my fears (Reasonable fears or not). 

       As you lift me up, I will lift you up every time your name is brought to my (as you have read: crazy, sometimes ridiculous, but love seeking) mind. I appreciate the encouragement from and accountability of all my brothers and sisters in Christ who daily invest in my life. Thank you.

      I love you all :)

Morgan Mims

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